It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas.....

Except that it isn't. There is no snow. No Christmas lights. No family. No stockings. No tree - although I did decorate the tropical plant in my apartment.

This is my first Christmas away from home - I honestly never thought I would be able to do it. I love Christmas more than anything. Everything about it. I have been going through very distinct phases in dealing with this. At first I was surprisingly okay. I was sad but grateful for all that I have here and I think because the usual reminders that Christmas is coming weren't here it was easy not to think about it. But then as it got closer and I realized that Christmas really was going to come without me it was much harder. I wallowed in self pity for awhile mourning all the things that I was missing out on. Coming to terms with the fact that there would be no decorating the tree with my mom (no squint test this year), no Christmas baking, no teasing my mom about her Christmas bathroom (complete with Christmas toilet seat, shower curtain, toilet paper and soap), no sitting by the tree listening to Christmas music for hours, no wrapping presents with my mom on Christmas Eve, no sitting at the top of the stairs on Christmas morning with my brothers until Mom says that we can finally come down, no wishing Merry Christmas to strangers I pass on the street, no Christmas chaos when my parents' house fills with love and my whole family comesover, no talking to my little cousins about Santa and watching their eyes light up with excitement, no living room strewn with crumpled wrapping paper, no pulling Christmas crackers at the count of three with the whole table and the wearing of the lovely paper crowns, no walks through the snow with the dogs. I won't feel that magical feeling that is so evident at this time of year. Not this year. I cried. I considered buying a last minute ticket....but here I am. Spending Christmas alone - or rather, with the fish.

But I have a new outlook - or rather, I am trying to have a new outlook. The reason I am hurting so much is because I have had 28 wonderful Christmases. How lucky! My mom always does everything she can to make it special and my grandma always did the same. I also have a wonderful large family that all comes together to celebrate. I will have all this again. Many have never had one Christmas surrounded by the love that I know so it is easy for them to be away. But better to be heartbroken about missing something that you are so so lucky to have - Merry Christmas to my wonderful family. I am thinking of you.

"I'll be home for Christmas.....if only in my dreams."